You’re Losing Me (From The Vault)

The blue light of the cross shines on my face just through the small gap between the curtains and the wall. On any other night, that would’ve kept me awake.

My thoughts swirl repeatedly over the same question: are you awake just like I am now?

‘Remember lookin’ at this room, we loved it ’cause of the light
Now, I just sit in the dark and wonder if it’s time‘

I am still there, 9 days ago, with the biggest grin on my face as I walk back to my sister’s apartment with two bags in my hands – a brand-new pair of running shoes in one hand and a new pair of running shorts in the other. Despite forgetting my running shoes back at home, I wanted so bad to have that jogging date with you – so badly that I decided to spend a bit extra. After all, I didn’t want to cancel, because I wanted to see you so much. It was the perfect plan: jogging and breakfast afterward.

I turn my head, and see the box staring back at me, laying there on the floor just a few feet away from where I’m trying to sleep. Still brand-new.

I’m still there, just a few hours ago, when you canceled our plans again for the third day in a row. I’m still there, as the security guard walks in my direction and I frantically rub my eyes in a desperate attempt to dry them before he reaches my table. Realizing I don’t have any more toilet paper with me, I turn my head away and try to dry my face with my sleeves. He walks past me without even noticing how I’m crying my heart out in silence.

‘Do I throw out everything we built or keep it?
I’m getting tired even for a phoenix
Always risin’ from the ashes
Mendin’ all her gashes
You might just have dealt the final blow’

The city lights try to comfort me as I stare into the darkness through the massive windows. I now realize that canceling our plans 3 times in a row is no coincidence. I repeatedly ask myself the only question that remains at the back of my mind, a question to which I already know the answer: Don’t you want to see me?

I am still there, 2 days in the future, as I pace like a ghost inside my mind – the room is completely engulfed in flames. Quite literally, I begin choking on my own tears, running down my face in all directions as I try not to wake my sister up with my silent but fierce sobbing. I stare blankly at our desolate conversation, asking you two days ago if we could meet to talk.

‘I gave you all my best me’s, my endless empathy
And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier
Fighting in only your army
Frontlines, don’t you ignore me
I’m the best thing at this party‘

Her ghost wrestles with you. Your face shifts into hers; your memory fades, and hers comes back to life.

I am still there, 8 months in the past, when the downfall of everything began; when she finally told me she didn’t want to start a family with me.

‘And I wouldn’t marry me either
A pathological people pleaser
Who only wanted you to see her‘

I am still there, frozen in time, thinking about all the shit-talking I endured from her over the years, foolishly hoping I could change her. Very foolishly hoping that someday she would love me. Her ghost fades, and your face comes back again.

I am still there, 5 days in the future, with that same bloody Radiohead song still stuck in my head.

The flight taking me home has been delayed once again, and I foolishly want to believe that maybe it’s God, a higher power, or even destiny itself, giving you another chance to come find me and figure things out. Despite the last 11 days and all the pain I’ve gone through, I still want you to come find me so we can fix things.

I choke so hard on the hope that maybe the repeatedly delayed flight is God’s will to bring us together.

But the delayed airplane finally arrives. And you don’t.

‘And I’m fading, thinking,
“Do something, babe, say something
Lose something, babe, risk something
Choose something, babe, I got nothing to believe
Unless you’re choosing me” ‘

It’s odd how we never realize it’s the last time we’ll ever see someone in our lives. Had I realized that was the last time I’d see you, would I have said something else to change things?

Would it even have mattered? Would it actually have changed anything?

Nobody ever told me moving on would be even more painful than staying. If I had known, I might have never moved on at all.

‘Stop, you’re losing me
I can’t find a pulse
My heart won’t start anymore‘

‘You’re Losing Me (From the Vault)’ is a pretty obvious reference to Taylor’s final moments in her undead relationship with Joe Alwyn. ‘Stop, you’re losing me’ refers to how Joe’s actions are drifting Taylor away.

But that line means something entirely different to me.

To me, it is a clear signal that I am losing my heart. I know love is real because I exist and I am full of it. But every heartbreak I go through wears my heart down.

I am not sure how much more heartbreak I can endure before I can’t find a pulse and my heart won’t start anymore.

Nov 2024